I sang in the choir. I stared at a light bulb in a manger every Christmas as I played the Virgin Mary. I was the youth rep on the staff/parish relations committee and all my first boyfriends came from youth group.

I found my way into a much more conservative church space in college and tried to make it mine. I longed for rules and structure that made it all make sense -- that feeling in me that maybe there was something wrong and rotten at the core of me.

I didn't trust my desires.

I didn't trust myself.

I didn't trust the world, which felt terrifying and unpredictable.

But I know I felt connected, sparkling, reverent. 

Somewhere in me, I knew...

I was wired for a deep, sacred connection to the divine. 

But the only paths I could find felt stiff, rigid and hollow.

I was writing a dissertation about sex trafficking, 
going to church every week and praying, and worrying that there were these dark, selfish parts of me.

Worrying I might be beyond repair somehow.

I thought my desires & unruly inside led me away from God, because they pulled me away from church, but instead... they dropped me at the steps of an even more beautiful cathedral....

I learned that my desires were a portal to the divine.

Spirituality. Sexuality. Sacredness. Sensuality.