What does scared sexuality bring to mind for you?
It might feel a little loaded. We might be used to conversations like “sex is sacred” and “your body is sacred” so don't “muck it up”. That’s the place most of us have been trying to operate for most of our lives but what if the rules and voices we have been allowing to have power have are actually wrong? What if we started to pivot and think of it as “sacred sexuality”?
When I think about new age religion, spaces like mindfulness and tantra, it can seem almost scary. I've done some work around that, exploring what that edge is that makes it scary for me. And it almost feels like it’s too much openness. For me, I went all the way into pleasure and wanted to feel the sensory of it all but didn’t know how to get back to the spiritual side of it. It might feel like if we take our sexuality out of this context, it’s unsafe. You will end up doing something really unhealthy and terrible. We can learn to base sexuality out of ourselves and create more room for there to be something sacred about it.
It's a lot of work to live in the religion space. We’re told, “this is what sex is and this is how you fit in there.” It’s very specific and on the outside, it feels really small. The idea is you're giving up control by practicing self control to invite God in. It’s this kind of sacrificial, holy thing that you acknowledge from the onset. Being on the other side of it and realizing that actually you do have control, pulls the sacred into you rather than having to connect with the sacred “out there”.
There’s a labor and mental work of being in the religion space but also the physical work. As a woman, if you’re trying not to get pregnant, it’s going against what you body is telling. You are not having sex when you're ovulating which when we are physically designed to want it. You have to train yourself to not listen to your desire because you're trying not to hype it. And then the times that are “okay”, when you're trying to get pregnant, you need to be conservative and wait until you confirmed ovulation, take your basal body temperature, which that peaks after you ovulate, and then wait three days to confirm it and make sure it stays high. Often by the time you’re had confirmed all the signs, you might only have four days till your period starts. This creates so much pressure within your body and you’re battling the hormones and biology to really do it. This does the opposite of what we need it to do and that's where our work lies.
We’re told that we are connecting to God through this process but what we’re doing is signaling to our bodies that the things you desire and the things you want is not the way to the be close to God. In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s going to be uncomfortable.