About Blog Shop Join The Intimacy Incubator LOGIN

Reclaiming Our Desires

I talk to a number of women every day in my job (it's the best!) and one of the common pieces that comes up for them, and a piece that is part of my own story, is the dynamic we see unfold in us when we're in a relationship. As we immerse ourselves into our partnership with another, we begin to uncover a different part of ourselves. Maybe it's a part we've never met. Maybe it's a piece of ourselves that wasn't ever able to come out before, or that we've long suppressed. Maybe it’s a completely new part. Whatever it is, it becomes our favorite part. We share it with our partners. We allow it to embody us. And it's beautiful.

But what happens if that relationship ends?

Feeling Of Loss

Often, what I see in my work is that by allowing somebody to see that version of ourselves and, more importantly, allowing ourselves to see that version, we unconsciously or inadvertently associate that experience or that feeling with that relationship only. And if it ends, we feel like we lose a part of ourselves.

This is especially important when we’re talking about trauma. If the relationship was toxic or ended in a painful or traumatic way, we begin to associate that version of ourselves with the trauma. We think our desires resulted in something “bad”. We file it away and even start to believe that that version of ourselves is toxic. That it’s something that needs to be cut out or silenced. 

Owning Our Desires

A crucial part of our uncovering is the realization that we own our desires and that version of ourselves, that part that becomes our favorite, she’s always there. She’s not dependent on being in a relationship to show herself. She is us. And I know it might not feel that way. It might not feel safe for her to come out. It might feel “bad”. But in learning to trust our desires and own them as fully ours, we can begin to call her in and explore who we really are. All parts of us. 

Desires can feel dangerous. Especially if we’re unconsciously associating them with a negative experience. But allowing ourselves to really explore what they are and how they are part of us, we can begin to reclaim our desire and bring them back into our body. 

Your desires are a tool for your expansion. They will lead you to wealth, to love, to power. 

Because pleasure is your power.


Intimacy is the missing ingredient in your leadership.

Join the mailing list for resources, writing and updates.