How many of us had a sexual education experience that talked about pleasure at all? I can't even tell you how many women I've talked to who have said a version to me of, I'm just not like a sexual person or like this just isn't, it's just really not a big part of my life.
I remember even saying to my mom, I think I'm just not one of those women who's like meant to have an Epic love story. I can't remember the other words I used. I think I had said a wild romance. I remember going to this French restaurant one time and seeing this woman show up with a book and she had this chic haircut and she ordered Patay and champagne and just sat there and enjoyed it by herself.
And I had never, I mean, this sounds kind of funny to say, but I just, I had never seen someone do that. I thought that you know, to be a good girl and to be a good woman and to be even a good person, you know, you really had to avoid any kind of decadent pleasure. And you really shouldn't just be out enjoying things by yourself.
I was so worried about what would people think about me if I were to do something like that, what would people see? How would I come across thinking like, oh, I don't want to be seen as selfish or seen as indulgent? And it felt really, really dangerous, but that mindset I was in of like a good girl does not ask for more.
She does not go for seconds of dessert. She does not do anything out of the box. She is following the rules, she's a straight student that was who I wanted to be because I have always had a big vision for helping people. And I thought that the way to do that was to take up as little space as I could, work as hard as I can, and create work that would really make a huge difference.
So at that time I was working in the anti-trafficking space and I thought this is the way this is, I care about women. I care about their freedom. I'm going to make myself small to fit into this tiny box, give away everything I can, make as little money as possible in whatever I do. I'm going to use to sort of help women and get free.
No one can tell me I'm being bad. Cause like how shiny and good am I? Meanwhile, my body was totally shut down. My relationship was also basically totally shut down. And I was wondering well, is this it? So when you sign up to work with me, you know, money goes to anti-trafficking organizations because there is still a way that we can all be connected, but it doesn't mean that you have to give up your life to, that's not what's required.
What's required is for you to figure out what is going to make you feel the most you - so that then you can have the experience that you're meant to have and help the people that you are meant to help. I started cracking my kind of view open to see that maybe there was more, it wasn't just all so black or white or so good or bad.
That's the uncovered intimacy method. Because what I realized was I wanted to feel this deep intimacy, not even necessarily about my partner. I mean, I want that too. I want all the things, but first, it was an intimacy with me who I was all the women that I have been before. All the women who are to come, all the things that are real for me, everything I wanted and needed the version of me who could go to that restaurant, order that, and just sit there by herself.
What does intimacy look like with all the versions of me and of you? And so starting to think about pleasure as a tool for uncovering who you really are for healing from the past and first starting to build that intimacy first within yourself. So this first pillar is really about that uncovered mindset. This is a tool for healing. This is a tool for creating the world that we want. This is a tool for freedom and we can't just look at our pain.
We can't just look at all that we don't mind. We start there. And that is crucial. And what the invitation is, is still let colleagues exist with allowing ourselves to dream about what we do want instead, who would feel good? Who are we? Who is that woman in eyes at once to come out? Now, pleasure is the path that gets you there.